Averted Eyes
by DirectionOfTime
Summary: Sakura doesn't see much of Kakashi these days, though that doesn't stop her from fantasising about him. But why does it feel like something more than her own projected nervousness that's keeping them at arm's length? KakaSaku. One-Shot.


_I'm not entirely happy with this :/ something just feels off, to me. Anyway, here is my entry for the first week of KakaSaku Month on Tumblr: 1: Soulmates/Goosebumps - I went with the latter prompt! (FYI: this is post manga but assuming 699+ never happened, i.e. no Sarada etc)_

 **Averted Eyes**

His stride was long and lazy, he covered the ground in front of him with swiftness though not through any special effort on his part; his attention was drawn by his book though Sakura knew better, she could see from her position in the shop window that his eye flicked up to each person who passed too close by him, violating his personal bubble. Along with the subtle movements of his shoulders moving his arms or body out of the way of a careless civilian told Sakura that Kakashi was, in many ways, at his most aware when he was trying to fool others into thinking him oblivious. She watched him until he was long out of sight, her eyes instinctively looking around the rooftops before dipping back to the corner where he'd passed beyond her sight in a vain attempt to catch another glimpse of him. It was utterly ridiculous really, treating her old sensei and team leader like some rare and elusive animal - although it wouldn't be wrong to say he was a breed of his own - he was by no means a stranger to her and yet… there was a distance.

Sakura was certain that it wasn't _just_ Kakashi's own natural sense of introversion, but rather something else, something Sakura suspected was almost entirely on her end. Her eyes seemed to become glued to his form whenever he walked past, her eyes seemed to linger on the contours of his muscles in a way she hadn't taken any particular notice of before, the way his eye peeked out, as if from some dark cocoon known only to him: Sakura bet it was a dark, sibylline place - one both terrifying and wonderful. Kakashi had begun to weave himself into her daydreams, slowly at first, Sakura wondered what would happen if she bumped into him doing her grocery shopping, later if they'd ended up in the same bar having a drink. More than once it danced across her mind what it would be like to kiss him, or more. More than once in her career Kakashi had held her, either in breaking her fall or sweeping her out of harm's way in the middle of battle, but those previously platonic, helpful touches were now all too easily overlaid onto her erotic fantasies.

It was dangerous territory, she knew; more than once when she'd begun to indulge more and more often in those fantasies, she'd caught a glimpse of silver hair and promptly darted in the opposite direction (even thinking of a valid excuse if Kakashi questioned her about it later). It was ridiculous, though her daydreams had become so common, and in places explicit, that she could barely bring herself to look him in the eye, lest his whip out his sharingan and somehow see the interior of her mind. The medic in her knew this was completely irrational and impossible, but the natural reaction to hide her deepest self from those around had her dreaming up fears that would never come to fruition. Luckily, it was a little more rare these days that they did missions together; Sakura could remember the last time, well over six months previously. Kakashi had been his usual collected self, though seemed a little cautious around her. He seemed to keep a good distance and didn't speak to her much beyond issuing orders, he seemed to make a point of _not_ looking at her. That had been pretty much the last time they'd spoken, other than an occasional 'hello' as they passed in the administration tower, or an anxiety ridden bowl of noodles as she sat next to him, listening to Naruto's babbling about his missions or current love-life with Hinata.

This was both good and bad, Sakura decided; it gave her the space to not do anything stupid in front of him, but at the same time, the void left by him allowed her mind to go wild with ever more detailed fantasies. It was embarrassing, really.

Sakura sighed and rose from her seat, it was time to meet with Tsunade - a mission, no doubt.

…

Of all the goddamn things the Hokage could have asked of Sakura: go and find Kakashi. It seemed like he had a mission, though she didn't, so Tsunade had seen fit for Sakura to use the spare hour before she was to consult with the hospital in a meeting to locate the elusive Copy Nin. Sakura stood at the door to Kakashi's apartment and knocked sharply twice: nothing. Twice more and nothing still; sighing slightly Sakura hesitantly picked the lock and let herself in, wondering if he was actually out, anxious at the prospect of a potentially semi-naked, sleepy Copy Nin - though he had been out and about just an hour ago. _Shame_ the traitorous part of her mind sighed. His apartment was dark and cool, signifying that had not been there for a few hours at least, she looked over his small kitchenette and living room area before her eyes caught on a scrap of paper at his bedside.

An envelope, half over hanging the edge of the small stand, addressed to… her? She picked it up and turned it over in her hands, it felt fairly thick - perhaps it was a card Kakashi had written for her birthday then forgotten to give it to her? It was now mid-autumn, after all. She wasn't quite sure what to do - although it was something addressed to her, it was still in Kakashi's apartment and thus, in a sense, his property. It wasn't sealed - maybe she could just take a quick peek and put it back before he'd notice?

As she pulled the contents out, she realised it wasn't a card, but rather, a large number of sheets folded together inside the envelope; they were well crinkled as if they'd been taken out and re-read many times before.

 _Sakura,_

 _I have said many times over the course of Team Seven that the most important thing is teamwork. This is true, but this time I realise my mistake, every time I spoke those words, it seemed as if I were directing them only to Naruto and Sasuke in an effort to get them to let go of their rivalry. As all too often I had done, I'd focused more on them than I had you, wrongly. Naruto and Sasuke, despite trying to work better together they ignore the most important teamwork: including ALL of the team. I should have paid more attention._

 _I applaud your decision to train under the Fifth; I think she can be an excellent teacher to you, far better than I have been. You have the potential to become an excellent shinobi._

 _Don't be a stranger,_

 _Kakashi._

Kakashi had written this right after Naruto and Sasuke had left? Sakura would have wondered for longer on why he'd written a letter to her that he'd never delivered almost eight years prior, were it not for the fact that there was more written beneath it.

 _Sakura,_

 _I was going to give this to you much earlier, but I guess I lost my nerve… if you can believe that. All of the missions I undertook as soon as you were under Tsunade-sama's care kept me out of the village for so long, that by the time I saw you again - saw how far you'd come - I guess I felt that what I wanted to say would be no longer relevant. I selfishly took so much pride in seeing you do so well in the first training session and mission we did after Naruto's return, yet I knew deep down you were far better than I could ever have made you. Able to take on and defeat an Akatsuki member with only an elderly shinobi who'd you'd only met a few hours before hand, let alone worked with before? Incredible._

 _I guess this doesn't sound anything like the Kakashi that you know, but since you'll never read these letters, I suppose it doesn't matter how stupid I sound._

His gushing words were almost enough to bring a blush to her face, she certainly felt the rush of blood in her ears - had Kakashi really thought like this about her? She honestly felt like she never appeared much on his radar; between trying to manage the Kyuubi jinchuuriki and the last Uchiha, honestly, what room was there left in Kakashi's attention for a directionless young ninja from a poorly known family? The letters carried on for another page or two, each one a year or two's gap between, where Kakashi spoke of his pride and wonder at Sakura's skill.

 _It took me a long time to realise what I was feeling during the Fourth war, how secure I felt knowing you were right beside me with those glowing green hands, ready to heal anything and anyone should the need arise. Those same hands that could destroy rock in seconds would surely have been there to crush and enemy I couldn't avoid. I hadn't realised it at the time, but you presence was such a strange comfort to me, every time I heard your voice through the shouts, every time I saw your green chakra or your pink hair, it reminded me, somehow, that things weren't as bad as it seemed._

 _Even as Naruto and Sasuke fought the Kaguya through the dimensions, I couldn't seem to let you out of arm's reach; I wasn't even thinking about it at the time, other than to save your life, but as I think about it now, even years after, there must have been more to it._

 _…_

 _I'm so sorry, I know you aren't going to be happy about the arrangement from now on, but I just can't focus on missions if you're with me on them. The you in my dreams bleeds into my daytime perception of you and I can't risk making a stupid decision or alienating you with feelings you don't reciprocate whilst we're on a mission. Maybe you'll be lenient with me and just assume this is the natural divergence of teams since all of Team 7 are now Jounin, that it would be silly for us to always remain in the same cell. Still, it will be hard to settle for having to steal glances at you from afar, but it is for the best._

 _…_

 _We talked for the first time in months today, I doubt you did it for my benefit, but you looked beautiful. Effortlessly so. I think you've put on a bit of muscle, I'd heard you been doing some challenging solo missions recently, the strength you hold more obviously on your body suits you, I hope it's done more to stop people from underestimating you at first glance; I really wished I could have run my fingers down the side of your neck, the skin looked so smooth._

 _Other times, when we pass by in the corridor you always offer me a small, tentative smile, I'm not sure if its because you think you shouldn't be too familiar with me anymore, but even though it's so small, barely a twitch of your lips, it's so warming to see. I wish I could be the cause of your bigger smiles._

 _I often wonder what would happen if I told you about my feelings, would you reject them? Would you even know what to do? I can't risk it, but I often wonder._

 _…_

 _You looked so tired today, I guess you'd just gotten back from a mission, it was hard to see you look so fatigued with work still to do, I wished I couldn't have kissed you then, maybe take some of the weight off your shoulders. I often find myself, when I can't sleep, thinking about you getting in from a mission and coming straight to my apartment. Its always on a day when I catch a glance of you that I find myself struggling the most to sleep. Most of the people who used to keep me awake at night were because they were already dead, now the one who does is very much alive, though in some ways so much further away from me._

 _I still don't know what I'd find more painful - loving you from afar and potentially missing out on something amazing, or getting a flat out refusal from you and rupturing the team dynamic once and for all. Naruto's still so protective of you, in a brotherly way, that it would probably hurt him too, if I made you uncomfortable, he wouldn't trust me either. Kami-sama knows what Tsunade would do to me._

 _…_

 _You ran away from me today, I was sure of it… have you found me out? Are you frightened of me? I sincerely hope not, I tried to convince myself that maybe you'd just forgotten something but the timing was off - you looked directly at me, almost scared, before you turned around. What did I do to make—_

Something brought Sakura too from her absorption in the words, frozen to the spoke for a minute when she realised he was behind her, the air in the apartment seemed to have suddenly grown very cold as she turned to look up to that dark eye boring down at her as his hand stretched slowly out towards her, her skin rose to gooseflesh as his fingers brushed the top of the pages and pulled them away from her hands. She couldn't begin to decipher the look from that eye and she didn't try, terrified now, of his reaction — no matter what the pages suggested — and in that moment, she gave into her instinctive fear and bolted from the apartment. Without even leaving the message she was supposed to.

She was out of the building and all the way back to her own apartment before she was even conscious of taking a breath. If she'd found his presence suffocating before due to her own feelings, it was damn near oppressive now that she knew of his. But how was she supposed to deal with what she'd read, now? _Hi, Kakashi-sampai, we haven't really spoken for the better part of a year, but I broke into your apartment and found the secret letters you've been writing to me and found out you're in love with me… and I've kinda been falling for you so… uh, wanna go for a drink?_ Despite her own frayed nerves she snorted in laughter in spite of herself; she'd been struggling with admitting to herself the depth of her feelings for her former team-leader, to suddenly admit them to him? Out of the question.

Wasn't it?

She'd already heard… _read_ his admission, couldn't she at least do the courtesy of doing the same to him? Wouldn't it level the playing field? Maybe he wouldn't feel so violated? Maybe they could actually have the opportunity to… forge something 'amazing' as Kakashi put it? Wasn't that what she ultimately wanted from all her fantasising? Or was it just to lust from afar taking a sick pleasure in the self-martyrdom of never having the love she craved? If anything was stupid, surely that was. It was possible he might still reject her, Kakashi was not a man who took being ripped open well, but when the hell had Sakura ever shied away from her feelings?

There wasn't a moment to lose, she turned on her heel and started towards the door, but as she yanked it open she found a familiar face, low to the ground,

"Pakkun?"

"Hey, Sakura-chan, Kakashi sent me t—"

"Kakashi! Is he angry with me? Is he okay? Is he upset that I read the letter? I'm really sorry I was looking for him to by Tsunade-sama's order and I just saw the letter, I figured it was just a late birthday card or something," She chattered at the small dog all at once; he looked a bit irritated,

"I don't care, Kakashi's been nothing but grumpy lately, I don't know what's bothering him but he just asked me to come and find you, I said you'd probably be here, but," If the dog was capable of shrugging, Sakura was sure he would have done so. The moment was gone, however for Kakashi himself appeared behind him in the doorway, he looked determined, if a little tired, resigned even.

"Kakashi!"

"Sakura, you weren't supposed to see those letters," His voice was steady and strong,

"I know! I'm sorry, I was looking for—"

"I heard you explain it to Pakkun," He stepped inside her apartment, Sakura moved back leaving a few feet of space between them, he closed the door behind him and remained still, "I'm sorry if what you read frightened you or has caused you to lose any trust in me, please understand that these feelings are ones I have no intention of acting upon, although we no longer undertake missions together, there are times we may need to, I do not want you to fear me or feel like you can't be yourself around me in the way you used to be,"

"I don't want that either… but… I haven't been able to be myself around you for a while though that isn't because of anything you've done," She began shakily, her eyes looking anywhere but his, "I haven't got a clue when it happened, or when I really started paying attention to you, but, I just did; I felt like my eyes were glued to you whenever I saw you, which wasn't often. I thought you'd seemed off with me on that last mission we did together and I wondered if maybe you'd seen through me and somehow knew how I felt…" Sakura pursed her lips momentarily, aware that she was beginning to ramble, "I honestly had no idea you felt that way about me, Kakashi, and here I was all this while trying to hide how my feelings for you have changed, I…" She forced herself to look at him, his expression was one of utter shock, like he'd never heard anything so bizarre in his life.

"S-Sakura… are you telling me what I think you're telling me?" He spoke slowly, slower than Sakura had come to expect from him,

"Yes. Well, I can't say I'm completely in love with you, but I think I'm headed that way… and honestly, I'd like to see where things can go, if you're willing?" Sakura couldn't remember the last time she'd felt this nervous.

Kakashi didn't move for almost a full minute, he just stood and stared at her. Eventually, he took a step forwards, hesitantly,

"Sakura," He breathed before closing the distance between them and drawing down his mask intent on pressing his lips to hers, Sakura eagerly met him half way. They kissed intensely, the sudden pleasure coursing through her was so surprising, it was almost enough to knock her off balance, though Kakashi's strong arms held her steady; she felt as if her tongue had barely touched his before a sharp, intrusive tapping on the window pane forced them apart.

A small sparrow eyed Kakashi with an evil gleam before fluttering away.

"Shit, I have a mission…" He sounded pleasingly short of breath, his hands remaining firmly on her back keeping her pressed against him, "I'll be back Sakura, wait for me."

* * *

 _A/n - Gyah! Not what was in my head, but oh well... I like the idea of Kakashi saying all of the things that he wants to in some medium other than just saying them - he doesn't strike me as one for long, heartfelt speeches! ^_^ Yay for KakaSaku month!_


End file.
